The unexamined life is not worth living.” Socrates
Two things I have come to realise I will never have the answer’s for are:
- I will never really know how I got here
- I will never really know how I will leave here
One thing I have found an answer for is:
- I am here right now, this is all, this is enough, and right now I do currently exist, in this moment, right now… now
These answers however are just ideas. They are just things for for me to grasp on to so that space can be created. Space to let go of fear and the uncertainty of this life I live within. Space to live freely and consciously in moments that continuously offer new experiences, in which these experiences then fade, disappear and no longer exist. I feel like sometimes I am living in three different worlds. Or rather trying to hold onto three different ways of existing.
- To live, exist, react, respond in the current moment that is happening.
- Living in the past, in the memories, in the moments that have already occurred, re-tracing them, trying to make sense of them, understand them.
- And finally living in the transitional space. The space where you take some of the past with you unsure of how to really use this information or experience in order to act accordingly in the current moment or the future moments to come
I reflect upon my experiences to this day, I am living in the past and present at the same time. And I try to make sense, analyse and question why I did those things, what they gave to me, how they got me here today. But none of it really makes sense because I realise at the end of the day that who I was in those moments in that time when they were experienced, is a different person to who I am today, so its hard to accurately determine exactly why I did them.
As I continue to engage in a self-study, self investigation about what it means for me to exist, move, breath and be in this reality or non-reality all I can grasp right now is that there is a dynamic and energy, a pulsation, a being that is constantly changing, constantly fluctuating, constantly adapting. My being, my dynamic, my energy, its there but it cannot be defined and shouldn’t be defined by all that it has experience thus far. How do we really know that these experiences that we believe to have been a part of, really existed? They can’t ever be reenacted ever again, they can’t be viewed played back, re-visited..?
We do have memories and thoughts of past experiences which reveal when given the opportunity to surface. But I feel it is important to notice if these memories serve us now in this current moment? If we believe that these experiences do not define who we currently are in this very moment, then why do we place so much weight and importance on them to make some decisions? Do they really make us feel more alive, more connected to the life, to the living of today to the being in this moment?
We become attached to this memories, to these experiences, achievements, mistakes, failures and triumphs and we tend to build layers, roles, definitions around our being in order to define us, to make sense of how we live, what our purpose is, what our intentions are in this world… But I wonder how the feeling could change, how the connection between the being and life could bind more tightly, become more tactile, give more strength, power control and decisiveness to our actions if we were to let go of all these attachments. If we allowed ourselves to be vulnerable in the notion that nothing lasts, that all we have is the feeling, the awareness of our surrounds and the constant reflection of how we feel about these surrounds in each and every moment. Realising that each thing we experience will never again ever happen.
Our journey is filled with infinite unique moments that will never ever occur again. Maybe this makes you feel sad or fearful because there is nothing besides your being to hold onto. But actually it may free you, it may make you realise that nothing because nothing lasts we can continuously start again, start fresh and approach things more clearly in each opportunity we are given.
Only the present moment can accurately define us, the past and the future do not exist and my effort is directed toward listening to what ones energy, heart, soul desires and allowing it to feel the constant change.